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The adolescent god and the internest of vipers
I have always maintained that the truth is what I say it is, even when writing twaddle, but not anymore, I daren’t. Now the truth is whatever the internet says it is. Apparently. The trouble with being a fabulist is that people might actually believe you, which is the opposite of the problem now suffered … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Flouncy Dumplins and the failings of the self
Naming a piece of furniture is never easy. In fact I would argue that it is even more difficult than naming a boat, or a hairdressers or even a child and that is really difficult. I mean I once knew an upholsterer who thought a good name for his yacht was ‘Tacks Dodger’ and then … Continue reading twentyfourteen
compelled to commit niceties
I only have one son left to walk to school, his older brothers having graduated to bicycles and secondary, and my morning stroll with Joa has become a worn path I will be sad to no longer tread. There is however one part of the school circuit I won’t miss, the social collisions with other … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Exit, pursued by a bear
Warning! Profligate use of exclamation marks ahead! Good grief! I have just about had enough of the internet, following me about like some creepy stalker-hawker! So yes, I confess, I am a man of a certain age but I don’t in any way identify with the irresistible slip towards terminal decline. So why does the … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The credible liar
The Earth is flat. I know this because I have stood on Brighton beach and held up a ruler to the horizon. Yup, flat as a pancake or maybe a pizza, one with melted feta and caramelised onions, case closed. The idea that the Earth is a ball spinning at 1000 miles per hour is … Continue reading twentyfourteen
And so is this Christmas?
Much is said about the nightmare of Christmas, about how commercialism has destroyed it, about how children see nothing but the next present, about the cabin fever of being locked away with recalcitrant relatives. According to an ever-so-slightly desperate media Christmas is little more than a sponsored binge before the diet season, when retailers conspire to … Continue reading twentyfourteen
A bruised peach his heart the stone
Buy a poppy, don’t think about it just buy one. Ignore the politicians, it’s not political, ignore the celebrities, it’s not celebratory, don’t buy one just to be seen wearing it, it’s not an accessory. Buy a poppy because our servicemen and women, ex and on duty, need our help and a small demonstration of … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Did I mention that my Session chair is heavy
So okay, in a world where very little that is original is allowed enough oxygen to catch fire I give you the Session. It’s a chair and by extension a sofa. I can’t pretend that chairs are original, they are everywhere, and the more successful ones tend to be defined by our ceaseless determination to … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The object of your munificence
When I was ten I won first prize in a school competition sponsored by the Sussex Police Force. The idea was to come up with an anti-theft device for a car, so I designed an electrified steering wheel, called the vigilante, that shocked any would be thief into dramatically illustrated unconsciousness whilst automatically locking all … Continue reading twentyfourteen
This solitary cloak
It is that time of year again, when our politicians and celebrities vie to see who can wear the most conspicuous poppy and those who take the option not to are poppy shamed in the tattered remnants of the press. This bizarre competitive poppy wearing reached its apogee when the prime minister was heard to … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The accidental human
Some scientists don’t seem to grasp how unlikely humanity is, they have been scouring the local universe for decades for any planet that just might conceivably support life and every time they think they’ve found one it is trumpeted in the media as being another potential Earth, one we can visit because it is only … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The heaven of memory
We are not born to die. Death is not the point of our existence, life is. We do not get one day closer to death with each day we live. Regardless of our interventions, death comes for us when it is ready, when it is time. Death is not a choice, we can’t bring the … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Brexit for beginners
The leader who said he didn’t want to leave but said he wanted to lead even if we wanted to leave because he expected to win, lost, and then left, and the man who didn’t want to leave, but said he did because he wanted to lead, won, but felt like he had lost because … Continue reading twentyfourteen
the pitiless perfection of binary
I was in the West End recently with elder son Jake and wanted, for reasons too woven to explain, to verify the distance of the Sun from the Earth. I asked Master Siri to answer this most simple of questions but in order to tap his source he had to take a slow boat to … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The truth is what I say it is
I have spent years believing in the absolute uniqueness of the individual. That all of our experiences are singular, subjective and altered via perspective. When a ball hits the ground is it falling, stationary or rising? The truth is often open to interpretation. It is why I didn’t have a wedding video because I didn’t … Continue reading twentyfourteen
in through the out door
I have often found the European Union to be something of an unsatisfying continental breakfast, one lacking in moral fibre. It is better than a bowl of Brexit though, a muesli of half baked oats, dried fruits and way too many nuts. Brexit requires a lot of digestion and has led to many conversations in defence of … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The feather and the cannonball
Why are humans so much smarter than they need to be? It is something that I often think about, because I can, because for some reason I am able to consider the human condition. What is that about? Does it make me happier? I doubt it. You won’t find a dog having an existential crisis. … Continue reading twentyfourteen
My whole is other than the sim of my parts
On Tuesday just gone my Volvo’s plip failed and I couldn’t get into the car. I was temporarily insensible, flummoxed, stabbing the lifeless plip at the door, peering helplessly in through the side windows with thoughts of vehicular infidelity. I deserved better, a vehicle that welcomed my approach, one that would let me in. I … Continue reading twentyfourteen
To infinity and Beyoncé
Just to make it absolutely clear before we start, I am not a scientist, or a mathematician, in fact I am about as far away from either as is humanly possible, just ask Mr Faben-Ward, my touchy-feely days-of-yore maths tutor who was known to exclaim ‘It’s not rocket science Richard, it’s the nine times table!’ … Continue reading twentyfourteen
dear humans, your services are no longer required
About twenty years ago I had an engineer friend called Robert who was really quite brilliant and expert at designing milking machines and ancillary equipment for the dairy industry. Robert came up with all sorts of very useful devices for popping tassels on udders but one day, for no particular reason, he decided that what … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The disarming urgency of fire alarm diplomacy
I don’t know if I have mentioned it (I have) but we live in a flat, well actually to be accurate an apartment, as it is on two floors and not flat, like a flat. We have always got on with our neighbours in a typically English kind of way, polite nods when passing on … Continue reading twentyfourteen
looking at you looking back at me
Being almost Valentine’s day I thought I would fob you off with a couple of poems what I wrote. The first was for Libby before she became my wife (actually it is probably truer to say I became her husband) and although it is not entirely accurate it does convey how futile my resistance was. If Libby … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Abigail, Barney, Clodagh, Desmond, Eva, Frank, Gertrude, Henry and Imogen say hello
So now we are giving names to storms. Apparently they have been doing it for years in America so it must be a good idea, like black Friday, fracking and weird spelling. It is supposed to make people more aware of the potential threat of the storm in much the same way that bomber crews … Continue reading twentyfourteen
I love you, terms and conditions may apply
Zackary is ten and has come to the belated realisation that at some point in the distant future he is going to die. Obviously he has known about death for a while, he has lost a dog and a grandparent but for some reason he had never made the connection with himself before. When it … Continue reading twentyfourteen
wow not woe
I didn’t accept that David Bowie had died until Alan Rickman did, Rickman was the same age but somehow much, much younger. I loved Alan Rickman, but only assuming he was not in competition with David Bowie for my attention. Bowie meant much more to me then he probably should have, much more than I … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Diminishing towards the horizon
Twas the season to be jolly, fat. Christmas and new year are now done but the unholy alliance that is the fat pumping and draining industries are still occupied with their pendulum assault on our bodies. The fat pumpers are anticipating Easter but until then it is the turn of the drainers who will attempt to sell us remedies … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Bad language and how to use it
I am packing suitcases so that Libby, the boys and I can take our leave of Cornwall. I am being observed by a visiting Australian brother-in-law who for no particular reason, starts to sing absently. ‘I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’ll be plucking pheasants…’ ‘Til the pleasant fu…’ ‘DONE!’ He … Continue reading twentyfourteen
the reconcilable loss of the hair apparent
When I was a young man I once stood in front of the hall mirror and pushed back my hair to reveal my hairline. ‘Well,’ I said to myself proudly, ‘You never have to worry about going bald.’ So thick was my hair that, growing up, the only instruction my Gran would ever give the … Continue reading twentyfourteen
In search of the absent mind
One of the curious things about getting older is the increasing intolerance of memory. Mine just refuses to have anything to do with anything it deems less than crucial, which, according to Libby, is just about everything of a domestic nature. Absent mindedness is often the default position of the overtly brilliant, it is supposed … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The king, the love letter and the flame
Have you ever wondered what dreams are actually made of? Other than the stuff? Does anyone really know? Lots of intelligent people profess to understand the meaning of dreams. Countless books have been written on the subject, usually with moons or clouds on the cover, often by Americans, who have copyrighted the dream, and all … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The true black friday
In a big city people die unexpectedly all the time, death is the inevitable consequence of life, people fall down stairs, have traffic accidents, close their eyes to sleep and don’t open them again. We have a bargain with death, it is supposed to wait, we expect to join it at the last possible moment, … Continue reading twentyfourteen
For the love of dog
What is it about dogs? They have unlikely breath, ruin furniture, trail mud, fart and leave, bury your wallet, push you over, bark at anything, lick your face, make you walk in the rain and pick up their poo. Let’s face it if that was someone you met on tinder you wouldn’t be meeting them … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The point of sales
‘Hello and welcome everybody, I imagine you are all wondering why I have called you here today, well it’s to announce an exciting new sales initiative conceived by George from our point of sale and promotions department.’ ‘We have a point of sales and promotions department?’ ‘Point of sale, Frank, sale. And yes we do, … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The God, the cat and the curly wurly
What is more likely? That God made us in his image or that we made God in ours? One of my children has finally given up his belief in Father Christmas. We have had to put the apostate in isolation in order to avoid the idea spreading to his younger brothers. What was doubt now … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The war to end all wars
In light of the month and the need for remembrance I thought I would share a poem I have written. It is primarily about the first world war but the themes apply to all war; hapless, helpless, hopeless. Eternal. I know it is unlikely, and despite my great respect for the service men and women … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Snudge and the art of optional happiness
The good citizens of Denmark are now considered to be the most content people in the world and apparently it is all down to something called Hygge. It is spelt like the expectoration of a cat but pronounced Hoo-ga and not being Danish I know very little about it but being me I intend to … Continue reading twentyfourteen
5.972 sextillion tons
It is Friday night and I find myself at a corner table in the pub, as if by accident. I look up and there I am staring at a freshly pulled beer anticipating the extraordinary first mouthful. I don’t drink very much but what I do drink I enjoy. It is interesting that drunk is … Continue reading twentyfourteen
A Day In The Life Of… Richard Baker, International Furniture Guru.
My alarm goes off at 6.00 am… well actually my wife’s alarm goes off, I don’t have an alarm. Libby gets up to do all sorts of secret stuff for and with the kids, I roll over. At seven I awake again, mostly because a five year boy is slapping me about the face. I … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The explicable persistence of mini metros in the mind of someone looking out for them
The first house I ever lived in was number 25 Poplar Avenue. It was nothing special, a fifties suburban semi, but I loved it. Primary school was at the top of the hill and as a shy child the walk home was always more about the destination than the journey. Our front gate had 25 … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Googlification
Having not wanted it because I thought it would be rubbish I have been convinced by an overwhelming number of women (two) that it would be a good idea to have the inside of our Hove store Googlified. Googlification is when a very nice chap takes loads of photos of the store, stitches them together … Continue reading twentyfourteen
I woebot
There has been a lot of speculation lately about the future potential of Artificial Intelligence. Mostly negative. It seems our greatest thinkers are increasingly occupied with the evolutionary implications of the rise and rise of the machine mind, they are convinced that in the not too distant future we will all be undone by our … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Interesting and thoughtful
‘I’ve been reading your thingame blog.’ Says my father. ‘Very interesting.’ I look up from fixing his iPad, having already closed at least a hundred web pages, peering at him, over my hated but strategically remembered glasses. Interesting word interesting. There is the interesting exhibit at the museum or gallery which is exactly that and … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Nine days in Cornwall
Day one in Cornwall, sitting outside a Truro coffee shop as a sweetly enthusiastic waitress places my order in front of me. ‘That’s the first time I’ve ever put a love heart on a flat white.’ She says, drawing attention to my coffee. Libby watches the rise and fall of my gaze. For a moment … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Emergency, what service?
Joey can’t breathe. Libby and I are up late on the Saturday evening of what has been Joey’s fifth birthday. He has woken and we can hear him down the hall as he coughs tightly before falling silent. I mute the TV and listen hard, the silence hissing softly in my ears, a floorboard creaks … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The house we live in
I have a confession to make. This isn’t easy for me so please be kind, here goes. I don’t have a mmm…. Oh, hold on a sec I don’t think I said it out loud. Mortgage. I don’t have a mortgage. Ah, that feels so much better, I’ve been wanting to get that out in the … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Hey Pluto
Celebrity clips toe nails. Woman loses phone signal. Man doesn’t see point of twitter. Space ship reaches Pluto. Am I alone in thinking that the media and the public may have lost their collective sense of wonder? I mean we have just witnessed quite possibly the most remarkable feat of technology and engineering for a … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The sun, the pendulum and the atom
What exactly is the fun part of getting old? When does it start? The fun. I keep hearing or reading about people who extol the depletion process. Celebrities often. Actors usually. They speak about finding themselves with age, about how they have reached a greater understanding of life, how they have learned to appreciate every … Continue reading twentyfourteen
built-in obsolescence versus built-in redundancy
When I was a boy if my father was ever in error or had a misadventure he would always somehow manage to give the impression that whatever it was hadn’t actually happened. This gave rise to the notion that my father was unerring, which he was, except he wasn’t. It’s just that I have absolutely … Continue reading twentyfourteen
Average, penniless, monogamous, misanthropist
It has been said that we gauge our own intelligence by the intelligence of our peer group. We might have the impression that we are incredibly clever but that could simply be because those we associate with ain’t too bright. We can never truly know how smart we are because maybe we have never known a truly smart … Continue reading twentyfourteen
The joy of telling Siri he’s a dick
When I was young and had my whole life in front of me I wanted nothing more than to be older. To have less life in front of me. I had time to burn. But this was the seventies, the pre information age, so my longing for the years to pass was based only on … Continue reading twentyfourteen
